Disclaimer: I do not mean to imply anyone with mental illness is in a catch-all category of “crazy”. I am only implying that three year olds maybe fit the catch-all category of “crazy” quite well at times. Most of the time.
Disclaimer #2: I love my daughter and all of her energy, sweetness, brilliance, curiosity, and uniqueness. Sometimes she is incredibly calm, intelligent, obedient, logical, and kind. And wow, do I sometimes feel like I live with a crazy person. See below.
Disclaimer #3: This post was inspired by my child, my friends’ experiences with their children, and a great post on Why Having a Toddler is like Being at a Frat Party
20. If you need to guarantee they will do something immediately, just tell them it’s a crazy thing to do and that only a crazy person would do it.
19. The price of anything is comparable to one lollipop.
18. That person they talked to on a dead cell phone for 10 minutes heard every word of the conversation.
17. Their food must be cut into precise triangles.
16. Their food cannot be cut into any pieces whatsoever.
15. Their food must be cut into squares.
14. Two completely unrelated sentences can be linked with the word “because”.
13. Spontaneously licking the window of a store is a good idea.
12. They believe they can fly. They believe they can touch the sky.
11. There is literally no limit to the number of times they can watch–and laugh hysterically over–the same clip on YouTube.
10. They dig through the trash looking for treasures–like beloved pieces of plastic, scraps of colorful rotting food, or dirty tissues.
9. When everyone else is sleeping (or wishing they’re asleep), they’re wide awake, in need of food, water, potty, or anything else that could subsitute for sleep for any time at all.
8. Any talk of bedtime brings on surges of unimaginable energy and enthusiasm. And great needs of food, water, potty, or anything else that could substitute for bed for any time at all.
7. Their bed makes their back hurt, is too small, is too big, is too soft, is too hard, is too hot, is too cold. Your bed is juuuust right.
6. They call their father their grandmother’s name, their mother the name of your friend’s father, and ask to be called by their friends’ name, then laugh uproariously about the whole plan.
5. Everything is more fun if they periodically scream at the top of their lungs. As high-pitched as possible.
4. The line between what is imagined, what happened to someone else, what is wished for, and what really happened is blurry. If it exists at all.
3. Clothing may be removed quickly, silently, and completely at any time or place.
2. “Yes, you may” is interpreted as “You probably are no longer interested in that.”
1. “No, you can’t do that” is interpreted as “That’s really a fantastic idea and you should totally give it a try, no matter what the consequences may be.”